Heroes For Hire
by The Author Author Extrordinare
Summary: New episode mostly inspired by my 1.5 month hospital stay with nothing but Resident Evil discs and my laptop. Warning: Zombies and teenagers of a horny disposition. Enjoy and review. Or just review, I don't really care if you enjoy it.
1. Trouble on Dinosaur Planet

Heroes for Hire – A scathing satire of the world today.

* * *

If you're wondering, I had this done within a week of the deletion, but then my computer broke. Literally. Smoke started coming out of it, and the power supply and motherboard got trashed. So, I went, got a cheap 1GHZ computer, which is sadly still the best computer I've ever owned, and realized that some twat had glued the cards into the machine so I couldn't add my own hardware without risking the inside bits. So, I was going about my business, all ready to upload, when I discovered a 1994 classic by the name of System Shock. System Shock is very picky as to what operating systems it will run in. Currently, it is compatible with DOS, DOS, and DOS. Therefore, what did I install? Of course, what I failed to remember in my eagerness to install the game is that all my computer's settings were based around it only having two OS's. So, when I installed DOS, I played System Shock, which is a totally kickarse game, and then went to return to Windows 2000. It didn't work. Not to be deterred, I grabbed my trusty USB Flash Memory Device, and promptly realized that it couldn't be compatible with DOS. My other operating system, WIN98, still worked, although most of its video settings were broken. Of course, the USBFMD didn't work there either. I had to rummage for several hours through my old CD'S, find Windows 2000 install, realize it couldn't be repaired with the OS Repair, and had to reinstall, only to realize that it then didn't work with anything, even the internet. At least my USBFMD worked, though, so I picked it up off the computer last night and voila!

Oh, and if you don't like the way I write it now, and think I should go back to minimalist narration and let the characters do the talking again, I'm fine with that. Saying "The Scene is Sauria. Two Arwings touch down, and Fox and Krystal hopped out." rather than all that drivel in between works just as well. I'm just trying to add to the humor with senseless stupidity from the narrator. Also, tell me about any problems with the past/present tenses, because I'm very used to writing in the present tense for this story. Should I keep writing like that, or does past tense sound better?For those who read the first version of episode 4, which did you like better? Include that in yourreview! And for those of you who liked the new, barely developed as yet character of Kratos, he's not here. And he only gets a brief part in the end of the next episode. Cry. Yeah, that's right. But don't worry, I'll always have my wacky sense of humor!

Fox: Wacky isn't the word for it.

Quiet, you! We'll start the disclaimer while I deal with you!

Fox: Not the cattle prod!

* * *

Disclaimer: My noodles are blue. 

Falco: Um, don't you mean, "I don't own anything?"

The Author: (Gets cattle prod) I don't own anything. Now, Falco...

Falco: (Screams like a little girl)

* * *

Episode Four: Trouble on Dinosaur Planet 

The scene is outer space. Big, majestic, rather boring perhaps, but with a bit of lens flare from Solar. Suddenly, two Arwings rocket by. One of them is out of control, firing wildly.

"WHEE!" yelled Krystal. "BLAM! BOOM! KABLAZMO!"

Fox sighed. "Maybe teaching Krystal to fly an Arwing wasn't such a good idea..."

While Fox was contemplating the logic of giving a girl he just met about three days ago the use of a flying death machine, he heard Slippy's voice cut in over the radio.

"Fox! You have to go to Sauria! The dinosaurs just sent us a distress call!"

"Slippy, this is Tricky we're talking about. I don't think I really care."

Peppy cut in, obviously livid from Fox's apparent apathy. "If you don't go and save those dinosaurs right now..."

"Peppy, there is no way you can convince me to save Tricky."

"What's that about Tricky? He's so cute! Fox, we have to go see him again!" Krystal said, falling into formation beside Fox's Arwing.

"I hate you all..." said Fox, turning his Arwing in the direction of Sauria."I hate you all so much..."

* * *

The scene is Sauria. If you've ever seen it, you'll know what I'm talking about. Beautiful, unspoiled wilderness. An odd lack of dinosaurs for the so-called "Dinosaur Planet", to be sure, but since when have I been known for my paying attention to petty details? Two Arwings touched down, just in front of the majestic ruins that I was forced to look at for several hours during Assault. Fox and Krystal hopped out, and walked around. 

"Where are all the dinosaurs?" murmured Krystal, looking around uneasily as she adjusted her uniform.

"I don't know. Maybe we should l-" Fox was cut off by the sudden arrival of a white armored Star Wars stormtrooper.

"Halt!" yelled the trooper loudly, obviously trying to impress his supervisors with his "Halt yelling voice". "Where's your identification number?"

"This is a free planet, we don't need ID, do we?" asked Fox, looking quizzically at the trooper, obviously oblivious as to what was going on.

"I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask my supervisor." The stormtrooper pushed a button on his radio set and began talking. "Yeah. We found a couple of foxes down in sector alpha. Right, you're sending along an officer? Right. Yeah." Switching off his set, he turned to Fox. "Wait a second. They're sending someone." He sat down on a rock and added, as an afterthought: "And don't move anywhere!" He waved his blaster about to emphasize the point, then pulled out a Gameboy and started playing Mario. Several minutes later, a stormtrooper with a little medal walked up, while the other stood to attention.

"These the foxes?"

"Yes, Sir!"

Fox leaned over to Krystal and whispered to her. "Don't tell them anything. Act stupid."

The officer trooper turned towards our heroes. "What are your identification numbers?"

"Numbers?" said Krystal. "I can count to ten! Whee!" She began running about in circles for no apparent reason.

"Not that stupid!" Fox urgently hissed.

"Would you like me to explain the theory of relativity to you, most esteemed gentleman?"

"Dumber!"

"Cookies tasty."

"Good enough."

"Well then, if you don't have numbers..." said the officer, raising his weapon, then we're going to have to take you in for questioning."

"Gentlemen, there is one important detail you have forgotten." said Fox, grinning. "I've been playing Metal Gear Solid 3 lately! CQC!"

Fox rushed the officer, throwing him at the ground as hard as possible. Pulling a knife from its sheath, he ran towards the other one, stabbing the knife downwards.

Plink. Not a good sound to hear on the best of days. The knife bounced uselessly off of the trooper's armor. The trooper threw a punch at Fox, knocking him down, dazed. Then the stormtrooper pulled out his blaster and began firing at Krystal, who dove behind the nearest tree, pulling out her blaster and gunning down the first one as Fox got up. However, the sound of gunfire had attracted more of the guards, who immediately rushed into the ruins, all guns blazing. A stray shot hit Krystal, who gasped with pain as she fell to the ground.

"Krystal! I'll save you!" Fox yelled, rushing towards her. Then, as several shots barely missed him, he began running back towards his Arwing. "I hope Tuesday's good for you!" he yelled back as the Arwing took off.

* * *

Back on the ship, Fox had called a meeting. The team, minus Krystal of course, now sat in the briefing room, a large room just off Great Fox's bridge, which had its own cappuccino maker. Oh, and a massive computer terminal that covered the entire left wall, but no one cares about that. Cappuccino forever! Back on topic, Fox called a meeting, team came, and at the point at which my rantings stop, Fox is discussing a plan, largely based around the time he played Metal Gear Solid 3. 

"Right, then." Fox said, pressing a button on the table, causing a crudely drawn picture of Fox wearing a bandanna to pop up on the screen. "This is me." He pressed another button, and using a stylus, drew a big house next to his badly drawn personage in MS Paint. "That's where they're holding Krystal. And this," he added, switching to another picture, "is the plan."

And what a plan it was! Well, actually it was just more MS Paint drawings of Solid Sn- I mean Fox stabbing people with knives and various pointed objects, and ending with Krystal hugging Fox and little hearts floating everywhere around them. All badly done of course.

"Um... Fox?" Peppy piped up. "That's not going to work."

"What do you mean?"

"There's no strategy to it. You basically have drawings of you stabbing random things with knives."

"I don't follow."

"You can't rush an armed fortress with only a knife."

"Fine. I'll bring camo and some face paint."

"No, I mean they have guard patrols around 24/7. There's no way you could get past them unless you could fit in a 2 ¼ inch space in the ventilation system or distracted them somehow."

"If only we had someone expendable here to distract the guards!" said Slippy.

As if on cue, everyone turned to look at Slippy.

"Oh, sure. Twist my words. I hate you all."

* * *

The scene cuts to Sauria, on the surface, in the middle of a jungle. Fox parachuted in from an Arwing flown by Falco, and he touched down safely. Pulling out his blaster, he switched on his radio and knelt down. A Metal Gear Codec screen popped up, with the frequency 140.85. Peppy's face popped up an the left hand side. 

"Fox. I see you landed safely. We need to refer to each other by codenames from now on, in case someone is listening in. You be..."

"Snake?"

"I was thinking more along the lines of "Cheese" but hey, it works."

"Woo!" Fox yelled as he tied a bandanna around his head. "How about you?"

"I'll be "Major Fish" after my favorite game of all time."

"Weird, but okay. What are we calling the operation? It needs a cool name."

"How about Operation Barney Eater?"

"Stop reading ahead in the script. We're not supposed to know about him yet."

"All right, fine. We'll call it Operation Fox Rescue. Happy?"

"Reasonably. Commencing Operation Fox Rescue."

"All right. Peppy out."

The Codec screen cut out, and Fox stood up. Holding his knife and blaster simultaneously, he crept forward, looking for enemies. He spotted a flash of white armor, and immediately hid behind a tree. Screwing a silencer to his blaster, he took careful aim and fired at the trooper, killing him instantly. Unfortunately, this earned the attention of a nearby guard, who, hearing his death scream, came around and stared at the corpse. Pulling out his radio, he began talking.

"HQ? HQ? Requesting b- AGH!" he screamed as a bolt went through his skull.

"Heh heh..." Fox chuckled to himself, until the radio barked again.

"What's going on? Respond? Sending backup team to check it out."

"Oh, shit." Fox said as the words "Caution" "99.9" appeared in a little box on his wrist computer. Tense music began playing as troops filed into the area. He attempted to hide behind a tree. However, he was quickly spotted and the word "Caution" changed to "Alert" as a guard yelled "Who's that?"

Fox pelted through the jungle, blasting randomly at his pursuers, and laughing maniacally as he went. He'd been waiting all day to kill something, and now he'd started, he wasn't going to stop. Of course, until something stopped him. He ran right out into the open clearing near the tower he was sneaking into. Of course, more men ran out of the tower and pointed guns at him immediately. Fox put his hands up slowly.

Then quite suddenly, he dove towards the ground, firing wildly at the nearest troops. Rolling out of the laser fire that peppered the ground where he had stood a second before, he ducked behind a supply crate and peeked out. Several shots quickly forced him back into hiding. He knelt down and switched on his radio.

"Snake?" Peppy's voice came in from his earphone. "You let them see you, didn't you?"

"Um... yeah."

"Stupid idiot. This is a SNEAKING mission. Emphasis on the sneaking."

"What can I say? I like to shoot things!"

"As much as I can identify with that, it is my duty as your senile commander to chastise you."

"All right. Before you start, what should I do?"

"I don't know. You're pinned down, low on ammo, and with no hope of backup. You either hope to god that the Author is good with a controller or that he doesn't mind using the "Continue" button too much."

"Peppy, what have we told you about the fourth wall?"

"Fun to play with, not to break."

"Exactly."

Fox switched off his radio, loaded another battery pack into his blaster, and dove around the corner, shooting at anything that moved. Then, when his gun was empty, he threw it to the ground and pulled out a knife. He then heroically charged towards the entrance of the tower.

Of course, that sort of stupidity only works in the movies. He was promptly gunned down by machine gun fire from the many guards lying in wait at the entrance.

FOX IS DEAD

-Continue-Exit

Fox still had something up his sleeve, though, He selected "Continue" and the world reloaded around him. He walked into the clearing again, this time without an alert and thousands of soldiers chasing him. However, the area was wide open. There was no way he could get to the entrance without being seen. He switched on his radio, and said four simple words.

"Major, deploy the frog."

Slippy came rocketing down from high above with no parachute, and hit the ground at a sickening speed.

SLIPPY IS DEAD

-Continue-Exit

As much as Fox didn't want to resurrect Slippy, Krystal was at stake here. He hit continue. The world reloaded, and Fox switched on his radio, saying ten simple words.

"Major, deploy the frog. And remember the parachute this time."

This time, Slippy flew towards the ground, and pulled his parachute at the last possible second, hitting the ground majestically. The guards all simultaneously turned and looked, raising their weapons. Slippy screamed like a girl and pelted through the jungle, every outside guard in tow.

"This is too easy..." thought Fox as he ran into the now unprotected tower.

* * *

Meanwhile, in Krystal's cell, Krystal sat on the bench, looking out the window. The door slid open, and Krystal saw Slippy being thrown in. 

"Slippy?" she said incredulously.

"Sh'up and get me some antiseptic." answered Slippy, wrapping a bandage around his leg. "Help is on the way. Fox is looking for you downstairs somewhere. Falco's on air support too, he's going to parachute onto the roof in a second."

"Slippy, this entire prison is the roof. If he co-"

There was a loud 'CRUNCH' as Falco fell through the roof. Picking himself up off the ground, he looked around.

"Mission accomplished! Consider yourselves rescued by the great Falco!" he announced, striding towards the door. When he found it wouldn't open, he sat down dejectedly. "Well, at least I'm stuck in here with a hot girl..."

"And me!" Slippy said loudly, sitting down next to Falco. "You know I have lots of great things to talk about? Like how I..."

"NO! LET ME OUT!" Falco screamed, pounding on the door.

"Wish granted!" said Fox, shooting out the lock and ushering them all out into the hall.

The reunited team rushed through the hallways, looking for the main stairwell. This went on for several hours, until everyone realized that they were lost. Slippy, in a burst of what he thought was inspiration, went and asked a stormtrooper for directions. Everyone was promptly thrown back in jail.

"Slippy, you idiot!" yelled Krystal. "We were almost out, and what did you go and do?"

"At least he helped us retrace our steps!"

"Ugh. You moron!"

Fox forced them to stop bickering and sit down, just as the door opened and a guard came in.

"The Emperor will see you now." the guard said, ushering them out into the hall.

* * *

Fox and company were thrown into a throne room somewhere near the middle of the tower. It was ornately decorated, with colorful wall hangings and stained glass windows. Obviously the home of an evil maniac with lots of money. The person sitting in the throne looked up, and seeing who had been thrown in, stood and walked out of the shadows, revealing him to be BARNEY THE EVIL PURPLE DINOSAUR! 

"You!" said Fox, staring in disbelief. "The destroyer of thousands of children's brains. What do you want?"

"If I told you that, I'd have to kill you. That's conveniently what I'm going to be doing anyway, so, as per Evil Villain Regulations, Section B, Paragraph 17, I shall now reveal my entire evil plan in its entire entirety! Entirely!"

"We get the point. Get on with it." said Krystal impatiently.

"Oh, fine. Ruin my fun. Ahem. Sauria, Dinosaur Planet, whatever you choose to call it, has potential. POTENTIAL FOR EVIL! So, since exploiting evil is what I do best, I have captured the Krazoa Spirits, and am forcing them to use their powers to do my bidding! The pathetic dinosaurs who live here tried to stop me. I imprisoned them to stop their efforts. Then I imprisoned you, so now no one can stop me from taking over the universe!"

"You really are evil..." said Fox.

"That I am. Too bad you won't be around to see just how much! GUARDS? THROW THEM INTO... THE PIT OF DOOM!"

"Um... sir?"

"Yes, nameless guard #284?"

"We don't have a Pit of Doom."

"Well then throw them into the next best thing."

"Ah. The Pit of Ravenous Chickens. You have impeccable taste, sir."

As our heroes were led off, Barney laughed maniacally. "BWAHAHAHA! I leave for the Krazoa Palace! Happy dying, Star Fox!"

"Ooh, we get to die happy?" said Slippy, jumping up and down with glee.

Fox hit him in the head, and he went quiet.

"Over you go!" said Nameless Guard #418, as he pushed them into the pit.

They landed with an audible thump. Fox was on his feet in a flash, scanning the pit for any signs of danger. All he saw were three chickens. The first chicken, hereafter referred to as Chicken #1, spoke.

"Sorry, old chap, but we're going to have to kill you now. You see, we're the ravenous chickens."

"Yeah! EAT THEIR STILL BEATING HEARTS!" added the cleverly named Chicken #2.

"Hi." put in Chicken #3.

"That is ever so uncouth, Chicken #2, wouldn't you say so, Chicken #3?"

"Hi."

"AND THEN? AND THEN I'LL TEAR THEIR LUNGS OUT, AND PEE ON THEIR STILL WARM BODIES!"

"Good God!" yelled the horrified Chicken #1.

"AND THEN? THEN I'LL TAKE THE GIRL, RIP OUT HER KIDNEYS, AND SHOVE THEM UP HER BUTT WITH A SCREWDRIVER LIKE THIS!" cried Chicken #2, grabbing Chicken #1 to demonstrate. Krystal looked on in shock at what was supposedly going to be done to her, and passed out. So did Falco. Peppy, who appeared out of a plothole, saved the day just in time.

"In my day, we did it like THIS!" yelled the old hare, picking up Chicken #3 and engaging in a series of bone cruching maneuvers that would make a chicken cry. Conveniently, that was exactly what they did.

" I think I love you." Chicken #2 said, looking at Peppy in obvious admiration.

"Good job, Peppy. Slippy, wake up Falco and Krystal. Peppy, keep him busy. I'll bust us out." Fox said, grinning as his plan took shape. He looked up and called to Nameless Guard #183, who was situated just above. "We're dead now! You can take our bodies!"

This was the part of the job that Nameless Guard #183 really loved for some reason that only he knew. His gleeful reverie at being able to grab dead bodies and hoist them out of pits was cut annoyingly short, however, by the sudden unconsciousness caused by the impact of a rock wielded by a very pissed off fox. Now liberated, the team sped down the hallway towards the main entrance.

* * *

Barney laughed evilly as he screwed the last Krazoa Spirit containing jar shut. "Not so cocky now, are we?" he chortled at the incarcerated Krazoa. 

"Bite me." the Krazoa snarled.

Then, a single Arwing landed, and the entire Star Fox team piled out of it.

"Why couldn't we all take different Arwings?" groaned Peppy, collapsing onto the ground.

"It was a..." Slippy started to say.

"Let me guess. A plothole." Peppy responded.

"AUGH! HE READS MINDS!" screamed Slippy, running around in circles.

"Ah, so the Star Fox team and its trained frog has arrived. No matter. I shall kill you all!" yelled Barney, igniting a Super Advanced Special Effects Blade. (Glorified Lightsaber.)

Fox and Falco pulled out their blaster pistols and leveled them at Barney. He easily deflected their shots, and Fox was forced to retreat. Krystal pulled out her staff from wherever it was she kept it, and stepped forward, beginning a deadly duel with the evil overlord. The two combatants fought all the way from one end to the other. A small bridge led out into nothingness for no apparent reason, and Krystal was slowly being pushed back onto it. Just as she appeared to be making a comeback, Barney came in low with his saber and sliced her hand right off. It fell to the ground, still clutching her staff.

"OW! Dammit! That frigging hurts!"

"Hah. You're pathetic. Why don't you just give up now?" Barney said. Then he lowered his voice ominously. "Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father..."

"He told me enough! He told me that you killed him!"

"No, Krystal. I AM YOUR FATHER!"

"No! That's not true! That's impossible!"

"Search your feelings, Krystal You know it to be true."

"No, I mean that's literally impossible. For one, I don't look anything like you, or like a dinosaur at all for that matter. Also, A fox and a dinosaur just wouldn't work out at all genetically."

"Well, Krystal, you have to understand. It was the 60's, and we were all taking a lot of drugs..."

"Get on with it!" shouted the impatient Star Fox team.

"...so then I took the rubber chicken, stripped naked except for a pink..."

"GET ON WITH IT!"

"Fine. Die." said Barney, raising his lightsaber.

"NO!" yelled Fox, grabbing the Krazoa jars and throwing them at the ground, smashing them instantly. The liberated Krazoa immediately surrounded Barney and began beating the crap out of him, which really makes you wonder how he caught them in the first place. Several seconds later, Barney was on the run back towards his ship. He signaled it, and turning only to do a poor Arnold Schwarzenegger impression, said "I'll be back." and rushed into the ship. As it took off into the sky, Fox looked after it, then turned and rushed to Krystal, who was shakily attempting getting to her feet.

"Krystal!" said Fox, bending over her worriedly.

"Fox..." she replied, looking up into his eyes.

"What is it?" he said concernedly.

"Cut the crap and get me a bandage before I die of blood loss. Now pick up my hand, and let's get back to the ship so we can reattach it."

"Funny, I thought that was going to go an entirely different way."

As the team turned and walked into the sunset, instead of marveling at the impeccable dramatic timing of the sun, Peppy chose to voice his concerns.

"What about the prisoners?"

"Meh. They'll get out eventually." Fox replied, shrugging nonchalantly. "And if they don't, since when have I cared anyway?"

* * *

See you next time, StarFox...

* * *

And there you have it. A big rewrite of episode four. Two things to note – the next three episodes will appear just as they did in the old format, albeit with a bit more description. In other words, not complete rewrites. Also, with the deletion of the first three episodes, there are now going to be 18 chapters in the first season, instead of 21 for the numerically challenged ones out there. Don't worry, I've still got the season finale all planned out, and if I pull it off, it's going to kick more arse than a professional arse kicker at Arsetoberfest. That's a lot of arse, for the numerically challenged ones out there. See y'all in the next episode! 

Fox: You say "Arse" a lot.

The Author: Convienently, guess where the cattle prod is going!

Fox: Oh dear god no...


	2. The Giant Recap of Doom!

STAR FOX ADVENTURES - THE BIG RECAP OF THE TV SERIES!

Episodes 5, 6, and 7.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Once upon a time there was an Author. He liked to play a wonderful little game called "System Shock". However, when he installed DOS on his computer to play it, he forgot what the hell he was doing and screwed up his computer. After playing System Shock, he remembered he still had to rewrite Episodes 5 through 7 for his fanfiction series. Scouring the internet from another computer for a DOS text editor, he finally settled on an easy to use one and transferred it to his newly DOS only computer. And Lo, it worked, and there was much rejoicing. However, it was incompatible with his MS Word files that contained the three episodes needing rewrites. After several tests, it was determined that files written in the editor could easily be transferred to MS Word on another computer, but not vice-versa. In a desperate attempt to come up with a half-arsed plan, he settled on making a big recap.

TRANSLATION: Until my real computer is fixed, you won't be seeing full version of Episodes 5, 6, and 7. You'll have to settle with this instead. And sorry about the way the lines are laid out, the text editor is weird about that, and I don't really have time to fix it right now. Sorry.

Disclaimer: I don't own Star Fox. Yes, you were expecting something witty. No, you're not getting something witty.

Episode 5: The Great Cheeseburger Hunt: Part I

Fox and company are floating about looking for jobs when General Pepper sends them a message. He needs a DOUBLE BACON CHEESEBURGER! dramatic thunderclap Our heroes set out to McKatinas and run into an evil cult of vegetarians who attempt to kill them for the sin of eating meat. However, Fox and Falco are saved from almost certain death by the timely arrival of Peppy, who eats the giant carrot the vegetarians call God. The team's next stop is McAquas, where just as they are about to be rewarded with a DBC, dramatic thunderclap, the McAquas is taken over by militant Fish Men, who want their territory back. Due to general stupidity, the team is condemned to death. As they are escaping the Fish Man craft, they are intercepted by a mercenary who goes by the name of Kratos, (from the game Tales of Symphonia.) The team defeats and captures him, and he is held for questioning, where he reveals he was hired by a mysterious someone named "Number Two". In a monumentous moment of general stupidity, Fox makes Kratos the ship's cook.

Episode 6: The Great Cheeseburger Hunt: Part II

This episode brings the Star Fox team's quest for a burger to a close. Fox decides to go to the last open McDonald's in Lylat... McVenom's! Star Fox must use desperate measures to deploy the team members to the surface of Venom. Fox decides to use the transmission system to transport three members (Fox, Krystal and Kratos for no reason,) in. Fox buys the burger, but is recognized by the attendant who calls the police. A narrow escape brings them to the Royal Palace where they discover that Number Two is indeed Andross and that Number One was a sentient can of Grandma Joe's Discount Soup. (Available at all Grandma Joe's locations!). After the team has escaped, Barney the Evil Purple Dinosaur, Andross the Incompetent Evil Overlord, and Sir Canulon, as the soup has now dubbed himself, band together to form The Legion of Doom, who desire to destroy Star Fox.

Episode 7: Shopping Woes (Ooh, longer than the rest.)

As this episode opens, Star Fox are down on their luck, with their ship having been destroyed in the events during SF Assault. Finally, they decide to get off their arses and buy a new ship, as well as find a house on Corneria so this doesn't happen again. Fox, Krystal, and Kratos go after an apartment rental ad by the mysterious F. Phoenix, while Peppy, Falco and Slippy go for a ship.

Fox and co. discover that F. Pheonix is actually Fara, Fox's long ago girlfriend who he conveniently forgot. She attempts to blow them away with a shotgun, so Fox and friends steal the deed and dive out the window, narrowly missing death by landing in a conveniently placed matress truck. Their mission complete, Fox and friends wander off to find the others. When they get to the dealership, they find it deserted, with the empty Landmaster outside. They then see Fara has followed them, with a plasma cannon, to destroy Krystal and win Fox back. They run in the Landmaster to take the Arwings into space, where they find Barney the Dinosaur at the helm of a Dreadnought Attack Cruiser.

Barney had been planning this for several days. He placed an ad in the paper to lure Star Fox, in need of a ship, to his fake dealership. When Falco, Slippy and Peppy showed up, he took them on a test drive of the Attack Cruiser they were looking at. Falco checked out the recreational facilities, Slippy took a shower, and Peppy stayed on the bridge with the disguised Barney and played Go Fish.

Slippy was in the shower, when Canulon entered in a robot suit that gave him arms and legs, and reenacted the famous "shower scene" from Psycho. Slippy escaped and found Falco, who was watching some questionable material in the Rec Room. Canulon then entered, with Peppy in tow, but his Robot Suit had gone berserk, and was intent on killing everything. Slippy, ala Captain Kirk, talks the robot into killing itself, and they are taken prisoner by Barney. Barney steers the ship into battle.

The Arwings are already under attack, however, by Fara. She is a capable pilot, disabling Kratos and staying on Krystal's tail despite her best efforts at evasion. The Attack Cruiser unleashes a swarm of fighters, who go to work on the team, and Fara fires a bomb after Krystal, who, sure she is going to die, is saved at the last minute by a lucky shot from Fox.

The trio quickly defeat the fighters and retake the cruiser, dub it Great Fox II, and sail off into the sunset. Fara joins the Legion of Doom.

And that's where we are now. Click teh next chapter button for an actual story. It's cool.


	3. Episode 8?: Return of the Aparoids

Heroes For Hire – Best viewed in a drunken stupor

Episode 8: Return of the Aparoids

* * *

Hello, loyal fans. Are you ready to view an episode of epic proportions? No? Then read on! I really don't have much to say right now, and I'd just like to notify you of a SPECIAL OFFER! 

Donate $500 or more to The Author and receive a FREE DVD containing the painstakingly animated Flash movie series based around this story! (Ha, stupid fools… they'll never realize that I don't have Flash at all!)

(Oh, dear. I hope they don't read the text in brackets…)

Yes, that's right, there is no flash movie. But you can vehemently wish there was, or make one and pay me royalties. With royalties, I can finally afford a 486! That's 100 higher than what I have! Please? I'll write the scripts…

I really want a 486… my computer sucks.

Oh, and about three people have asked me what possessed me to add characters from "God of War" to this story. Kratos is not the bloke from God of War. Kratos AURION is from the game Tales of Symphonia.Google the name in image search. See? Kickarse.Anywho, now that google image search has assured you beyond all doubt that I have not included God of War anywhere within the confines of this story, let us begin.

* * *

Disclaimer: I disclaim the disclaiming that is disclaimed in the undisputedly disclaimed disclaimer that has been disclaimed of all disclaiming here in the disclaimer. Decipher THAT, Lawyers!

* * *

Episode 8: Return of the Aparoids

* * *

"So, Fox, what are we going to do today?" asked Krystal, settling into one of the chairs on the bridge. 

"Unless there's a conveniently timed message from General Pepper, we're going to sit here and have a witty dialogue."

"Conveniently, this message has been programmed to detect when the timing is exactly right. Fox, you and your team are going to receive medals for your services during the Sauria incident and the Aparoid invasion." said a hologram of Pepper which had just popped up.

"Brilliant. Will money be involved?" asked Fox.

"You could probably pawn the medals for a few bucks." said HoloPepper.

"We'll be there in an hour." said Fox, and the hologram winked out. Krystal grinned. "What are you smiling at?"

"You know, with our luck, there'll probably be a galactic conspiracy going on when we get there."

"Foreshadowing isn't funny. Now go and tell everyone to be ready for a gigantically lavish ceremony."

* * *

Great Fox slowed into orbit around Corneria and broadcast a message to the Cornerian command center. On board Great Fox, in the mess hall, Kratos was busy showing off his new suit. 

"Why is it purple?" asked Krystal, raising an eyebrow.

"Why is anything I wear purple?"

"Because you're gay?"

"Ye- no! It's because it goes well with my hair."

"Your hair's red, and I still think you look daft in a purple suit."

"D-daddy used to say that about me…" said Kratos, tears starting to form in his eyes. " Daddy didn't love me!" he sobbed, running out of the room. Krystal smiled, and turned to come face to face with Fox.

"What's up?" he said, sitting down at her table.

"Oh, nothing. I've made Kratos cry again. He has father issues."

"I noticed. Anyway, I'm going on down to Cornerian Command to talk with General Pepper about what's going to happen tonight. He's sending up a few men and his top lieutenant to supervise the decorations. This is going to be televised!"

"That's nice. Well, you be off then. We can handle things up here for now. I'll meet the lieutenant and his men in the hangar?"

"Transmission room. These men are too important to have to get off their arses and fly a ship."

"Great, a whole bunch of important slackers. Something tells me I'm going to be doing a lot of decorating."

* * *

With a shimmer of blue light, the top lieutenant appeared in the transmission bay. Physically, he was the same height as Fox, though rather obviously not a fox. Four guards stood around him, outwardly unarmed, but probably holding the easily concealed diplomatic blasters up their sleeves. Krystal made a mental note to tell Falco not to do anything stupid around them. Peppy stepped forward. 

"Hello, lieutenant. I am Peppy Hare, longest current serving member of Sta-"

The lieutenant cut him off. "Where is Mr. McCloud?"

"He's gone down to Corneria to talk with the General." Peppy replied with the slightest hint of annoyance at being interrupted.

"Then could you please provide me with refreshments for my men, and a place for us to rest? I need to talk to McCloud personally."

"I'm sure one of us could provide the same service that Fox could." Peppy said. "Our second in command could probably help you."

"Er… Peppy? Who exactly is second in command?" whispered Krystal.

"I don't know, I've never really thought much about the subject. There's me, I've been around longest…"

"Yes, but you're completely senile."

"Indeed. There's Slippy…"

"He's an idiot, and totally incompetent to boot."

"How about Falco?"

"He's even worse. He's immature, and he left and then came back and reapplied, so technically he's the newest."

"Well, then there isn't a second in command, there's no one left."

Krystal looked at him meaningfully.

"Oh, I see. You want to play captain. Then go ahead, but if you crash the ship it's your problem."

"Oh, go and play Go Fish or something."

"Yes captain."

"And get rid of the sarcasm."

"Yes'm." said Peppy, hurriedly running from the room.

"I'm second in command, lieutenant." Krystal said, with a hint of pride. "I can take you to the guest rooms if you need somewhere to rest, and in the meantime you can tell me why you needed from Fox."

"That will be satisfactory." the Lieutenant said, following Krystal down the hall to the lift.

* * *

The Barney Cruiser drifted through space, its crew hungry, the ship itself out of fuel. 

"Why don't we eat some soup?" said Fara, Fox McCloud's former girlfriend turned evil.

"I'm strongly against cannibalism, and anyway I'm the only one there is." Canulon said. Canulon was a sentient can of "Grandma Joe's Discount Soup" (With 33 More Carcinogen than other leading brands!) who had a grudge against the Star Fox team.

"Yes, and that's why we're going to eat you." Barney the Evil Purple Dinosaur said. "We've been out of food for a week, I can't take it anymore!"

Suddenly, failed evil overlord Andross rushed into the room. "I a ship outside our window!"

"Is it a derelict Cerinian ship filled with the souls of the dead?" asked Barney, defacto leader of the group.

"Er… no…"

"Are giant trees involved in any way?"

"No."

"Splendid. Shall we raid them?"

"That we shall." Fara said, grabbing a blaster rifle.

* * *

Five minutes later, Krystal was showing the lieutenant and his four guards around his room. 

"The bathroom's over that way, and the beds are over in that corner." Krystal said, pointing over to her left. "Will that be all?"

"No, not all. I have something to ask you."

"Yes?"

"We need you, Krystal." the Lieutenant said, stepping forward towards her. "The time has come."

As Krystal was puzzling over this, there was a flash of steel, and one of the guards buried a knife into the back of the guard in front of him. She leapt into action, running towards the traitor, but the lieutenant caught her arm and hurled her into a wall on the other side of the room.

How could anyone throw that hard? she thought as she tried, painfully,to pull herself off the ground. As the Lieutenant turned and snapped a guard's neck, while the guard who had had the knife finished off the last remaining one and passed the Lieutenant a hypospray, along with a small canister containing…

"That can't be…" whispered Krystal as she saw what was being loaded into the hypo. A small Aparoid parasite? Krystal staggered to her feet and hit the intercom button on the wall. "Emergency in the guest quarters! Two casualties! There's an apa-" she was cut off as she was pulled violently from the wall by the guard. She hit him in the face with a decorative vase from the table, and he didn't even flinch, instead hurling her down onto a table as the Lieutenant advanced on her with the hypospray.

* * *

Meanwhile, in a wonderful break from the suspense of the situation, we will go and see what became of the Legion of Doom. They were crouched behind a stack of crates in the storage bay. 

"How was I supposed to know what 'Quarantine' meant?" asked Andross angrily. "It's not like 'Danger, Go Back, You're Going To Die Horribly If You Enter This Room' is a very clear message!"

"Ah yes, and the words 'T-Virus Warning – Zombies Within' wasn't clear enough for you?" retorted Fara as she checked the battery on her rifle. It was almost empty. Not good.

"There's no reason we should bicker. We've got the fuel cells, haven't we?" said Barney.

"Yes, and we're stuck halfway across a zombie infested starship bound for Corneria that will likely be the subject of a future story!" yelled Fara angrily.

"Brains?" said a zombie inquisitively coming around the crate stack.

"Oh, dear. Shall we run for our lives?" asked Barney to the group.

"Indeed." Canulon concurred.

"Brains."

They ran. Fast. Screaming like little girls. Unfortunately, as they opened a cargo bay door, they were met with a veritable army.

"BRAINS!"

"Oh, well we're screwed then. Anyone for tennis?"

* * *

Kratos heard the thump as a Krystal shaped dent appeared in the wall of his room. Wiping the tears from his eyes with a tissue, he went across the hall to see what was wrong. 

He knew something was wrong immediately. For one, Krystal was unconscious on a table, about to be injected with something by the Lieutenant. Then there were the three guards bleeding into the carpet. And then there was the last guard who was currently rushing towards him.

Kratos sidestepped and then ducked the punch that the guard threw at him, then came back with a kick to the back of the guard's head. The usual yell of pain, and general unconsciousness and death that generally followed such a kick were noticeably absent. Then the guard hit him.

Hello, floor. Meet Kratos. Isn't he a nice guy? Well, I guess he impacted you rather hard.

The guard hoisted Kratos from the floor and began to choke him, when a stun bolt hit him from behind. He dropped Kratos and whirled to see Slippy. Slippy fired again, and again, and again, and again, but the guard didn't fall. From his vantage point on the floor, however, Kratos could see a knife, now sticking rather conspicuously out of one of the dead guards. He grabbed it and came up behind the live 'evil' guard.

Now that that was taken care of, Slippy opened fire on the lieutenant, just before he would have injected Krystal. The bolt caused him to stumble, but it was still not enough to knock him out. Slippy increased the setting and fired again.

And again.

And again.

And again.

And again.

Until finally, the lieutenant fell to the floor, unconscious.

* * *

"How are we still alive?" asked Barney as they flew away in the Barney Cruiser. 

"They grabbed Andross, looked at him for a bit and then left us alone." Fara said, plugging her rifle into the recharge unit. "I wonder why?"

"I guess we'll never know." Barney said, oblivious to the obvious and overused joke that the Author had placed in the story. "Where should we go now?"

"How about McSolars? I'm hungry." Fara complained.

"Good idea. Solar City, here we come!" said Barney, jamming the old cruiser into gear and rocketing off.

* * *

Kratos helped Krystal off the floor and she dusted herself off. Turning to the unconscious lieutenant, she began to drag him towards the door. 

"What are you doing?" asked Kratos.

"I'm dragging him down to medical for an examination. There's something wrong with him."

"What do you mean?"

"He tried to inject an aparoid life form into me, he's got the strength of twenty, I'd say there's something wrong with him."

"Maybe he has an aparoid fetish."

"Do you even listen to yourself?"

"I think you already know the answer to that."

"Oh, and the purple suit? Definitely gay."

"Dammit, Krystal, I'm not gay! If anyone's gay around here it's Falco and Fox!"

"Please. Only a completely deranged weirdo could ever think up something like that." Krystal said. "That means you, La-"

"The Fourth Wall's fine where it is. Shall we be off to medical?" Kratos said, quickly cutting her off before the series lost a frequent reviewer.

"Oh, fine." Krystal said. "Honestly, Fox/Falco? Everyone knows it's all Slippy/Pe-"

The scene ended, thankfully, before Krystal could get started.

* * *

Slippy and Kratos looked on as Krystal scanned the unconscious body of the Lieutenant. The scanner beeped, and she focused it on the area where it had beeped. 

"There's something here, guys." Krystal said. "Back of the neck…"

She flipped him over.

"What's the little green glowy thing?" asked Slippy.

"It's the sad attempt of the special effects department to make a cool looking aparoid parasite. I think there's something seriously wrong. Kratos, the guard you stabbed, does he have one?"

A quick check later, Kratos came back with an ominous result.

"Yes. Does this mean…"

"I think so… they must be all over Cornerian command!"

"Well, there's no one down there who's really important, so we sho- oh shit. Fox."

"Oh, no. We need to warn him. I'll go down there."

"Krystal, there's no reason to risk yourself. His communicator works fine. We'll just contact him." Slippy sugested, walking over to the intercom.

* * *

Fox was in the decorative courtyard of Cornerian Command when his wrist communicator beeped. He hit the switch. 

"This is Fox McClo-"

"Oh, thank god. Are you alone?" Krystal's voice came in through the commlink.

"Er…" he took a quick look around. " Yes."

"You're in terrible danger. There are Aparoids controlling the actions of some of the higher-ups and security officers in the Cornerian government."

"Is this a joke?" said Fox skeptically. " We kinda… y'know… killed them all."

"Apparently we didn't do it properly. There was most definitely one on the General's lieutenant, and at least one of his personal guards."

"I'll go talk to the General immediately."

"All right, I'll handle the situation up here. And… Fox?"

"Yes?"

"Be… be careful."

"I will." He said, cutting the link.

* * *

Barney and his team walked casually into McSolar's. 

"Hi." said the attendant working the counter. "Can I help you?"

"Yeah, we'd like… er… I'll have a Big Mac, my friends here will have two number fives and a… what was it you wanted, Fara?"

"A quarter pounder with cheese, but no mustard."

"A qu… what was the last bit?" said the attendant, traces of fear beginning to appear in his face.

"No mustard?"

"W- we can't do tha- oh god! Oh god! OH GOD!" he screamed, throwing himself onto the counter and hitting the "robbery" button on his way down.

Rapid response S.W.A.T. teams smashed their way through the glass windows and pointed auto-blasters at the Legion of Doom. Fara reached into her back pocket for her pistol, and Barney stepped forward.

"Sirs, there's no problem here. All we did was ask for a burger without mustard."

The captain turned to his team. "My god… he asked for…"

"Isn't that a capital offence?"

"Indeed it is." Captain S.W.A.T. said. He turned back to the Legion of Doom. "You will accompany me to the police station, where you will die horribly."

"Wonderful incentive. But I think you'd rather be the one dying horribly."

"No, I re-" were the S.W.A.T. captain's last words as a blaster bolt hit him in the face. Well, I guess 'burble' could be considered a last word, but it really isn't as coherent.

It was at this point that Barney picked up Andross, who was holding Canulon, and made his exit through the broken window. Fara followed, covering them with her pistol. The Barney Cruiser was already running when they came on board. No one questioned this as they made their escape, until Andross spoke up.

"None of us were on board, so who started this thing up before we came back?"

Unfortunately, the question was answered for him in a single word, spoken from behind him.

"Brains?"

* * *

General Pepper was sitting behind his desk when Fox entered the room. 

"Hello, Fox. What are you doing back? Did you forget something?"

"No, General. I came to warn you that we're all supposedly in terrible danger."

"Really? How?" said Pepper, sitting down at his desk.

"Krystal found a problem with your top lieutenant. He was being controlled by aparoids."

Pepper gasped in alarm. "You don't mean…"

"Yes. They're not all dead, general."

"Oh, no."

"And we have reason to believe that aparoids may also be controlling the actions of others in the Cornerian government."

"I will look into it immediately. You may have just saved us again, Fox. That might mean another medal for you."

"Thank you, General. I'll leave now, then."

"Because of the danger, we won't do the whole ceremony tonight, but there will be a celebratory banquet tonight. Be there around 7:00, okay?"

"Yes, General. I'll be here around seven."

"Excellent."

* * *

Slippy had called in five minutes ago to say that the lieutenant had woken up and was trying to get out of his restraints. Krystal was down there in a few minutes to question him. 

"WHO DOES NUMBER TWO WORK FOR?" yelled Kratos into the lieutenant's face.

"Damn you to hell!"

"Er… why did you beat the shit out of Krystal?"

"Go fondle donkeys, purple boy!"

"Why did you beat the shit out of Krystal?"

"I'll see you burn in hell before I tell you anything!"

"Why did you beat the shit out of Krystal?"

"Because I was ordered to by the queen!"

"That was easy. Why did you tell me so fast?"

"I can't stand to be asked the same question three times. It's an Aparoid thing."

"Why did the queen order you to beat up Krystal?"

"I spit in your general direction!"

"Why did the queen order you to beat up Krystal?

"You smell of donkey piss and fish eggs!"

Kratos sighed. "WhydidthequeenorderyoutobeatupKrystal?"

"Damn! Three times. She ordered me to beat up Krystal because we need to capture a telepath."

"Why do you need a telepath?"

"Go and suck on a turtle!"

"You're really running out of good insults, aren't you?"

"Damn you to hell!"

"Oh, now you're reusing them. That's just pathetic."

"Oh, go fond-"

Just then, Krystal entered.

"How's the interrogation going?"

"I'm running out of patience, he's running out of insults, and the Author's running out of good Austin Powers references."

"Doesn't sound good. Shall I take over?"

"Sure, if you want to…"

"Get the spiky whip!"

"ACK!" yelled the lieutenant. "I'll talk!"

"Excellent. Now then. Tell me everything. Do you know the Muffin Man?"

"The Muffin Man?"

"THE MUFFIN MAN!"

"Do I know the Muffin Man… who lives in the land of references to movies with Mike Myers in?"

"Cut the sarcasm. Now, why did you need a telepath?" asked Kratos.

"Because… when you destroyed us last year you killed the queen who held us all together telepathically. As she died, she cut off her last batch of eggs from the hive mind, leaving them with instructions to find and gain control over a telepath who could bring us together once more to take over Corneria. We've worked together ever since, taking over key government elements on Corneria, waiting for the only telepath we could clearly remember. Krystal."

"Oh… so you needed a telepath so you could rebuild your universal empire?"

"Pretty much, yeah. We have a queen of sorts right now, but her telepathic powers are weak. Uncoordinated. She serves only to hold our group together and keep us alive through the link until we can get a true telepath."

"Did you need a telepath who could sing "Only You" in at least ei-" Krystal started.

"Enough with the Mike Myers movie references!"

"Mike Myers… was he in Halloween?" Kratos asked Krystal.

"No, that was Michael Myers. There's a difference."

"Really? I thought they were both mass murderers."

"Ugh… you really don't listen to yourself, do you?"

* * *

"Brains?" 

They'd put their undead stowaway in the airlock, and the depressurization sequence was about to begin. It was left alone there, quietly wondering why it had not been given any of the food it had so nicely requested.

"I CAN'T DO IT!" yelled Andross, turning off the sequence as the light turned green.

"What the hell are you doing? We need to kill it!" yelled Fara, annoyed because she'd been looking forward to more zombie killing.

"But look! He's so cute! Can we keep him, Fara? Please?"

"But… he's a killing machine!"

"Pleeeeeeeeze?"

"Fine. If he kills you it's not my fault." Fara said. "But a zombie is a big responsibility, Andross. You need to feed him and clean his litter box and make sure he doesn't eat the mailman."

"I can do it! You'll never even know he's there!"

"Fine. I'll go get him."

She disappeared from sight.

* * *

itchy. want brains. me want brains cause tasty. 

girl fox come. she have brains. me itchy.

"BRAINS!"

"Oh, shit… HELP!"

girl fox yell loud so eat her. tasty.

4 itchy tasty.

* * *

"Er… Barney? Now, don't be pissed, but now we have two zombies." 

"WHAT? What the hell happened?"

"I said I wanted one for a pet, so Fara went in to get him, and she kinda forgot her gun. So now we have two."

"I hate you. I'll be down there in a minute."

* * *

Fox was back on board Great Fox, having the day's events explained to him in detail. 

"So anyway, Aparoids are controlling key elements on Corneria. We should be fine, but to be safe General Pepper has called off the main ceremony, but we still get dinner. So in an hour, we're going down there for dinner."

"I still think there's a danger involved." Falco said. "Should everyone be armed?"

"We've only got full sized blaster pistols. Hardly appropriate for a celebration." Krystal said.

"What about the palm size blasters we took from the dead guards?" said Peppy, holding one up.

"Good idea." Fox said. "I'll take one, Falco will take one, Krystal will take one, and Kratos will take one. I don't trust Slippy with something dangerous, and Peppy'll try and kill anyone who wins against him at Go Fish."

"Hey, he was cheating, and it only happened once!"

"You shot him seventeen times. Then you shot his friends. Then you went after his ninety year old grandmother with a knife." Fox said.

"It was a conspiracy! They were all in on it!"

"A conspiracy to cheat at Go Fish?"

"I'm not crazy! I'm the only one who's not crazy! I may be surrounded by insanity but I am NOT insane! I'm NOT CRAZY! I'm not crazy... I'm crazy..."

"Anyway, senility and "Frame of Mind" references aside, everyone should get ready for the celebration. I want you all in the hangar in an hour."

* * *

Six Arwings landed in the Parking Lot of Cornerian Command, and the team hopped out and began to walk towards the main building, where Pepper would be waiting for them. As they walked, Fox and Krystal chatted. 

"So, you looking forward to dinner tonight?" Fox asked Krystal.

"Yeah… I haven't eaten all day. Wonder what they'll be serving?"

"All the delicacies of Lylat, probably. They always go all out at banquets like this."

"Like what?"

"What do you like?"

"I've always liked the green salads that Kratos used to make before Lettucius VI got a shipment of Rodentus III's space gophers by mistake."

"Yes, the price of lettuce skyrocketed after that."

"How about frog's legs?"

Slippy looked up in alarm, and Krystal burst out laughing.

"Oh, the look on your face was priceless."

"That's not funny!" Slippy said, before wandering off to sulk with Peppy.

Before they could continue their conversation, however, they had entered the main building of Cornerian command, and were greeted warmly by General Pepper.

"Hello, Fox. On time as usual, I see. The preparations for dinner were a little… delayed. You can wait in a room we've prepared for you, however. My aide will take you."

The aide stepped forward, and, nodding to the General, took them down the hall into a luxurious room.

"Wow" was the word of the minute, as he showed them around the luxuriously prepared waiting area that had been laid out for them. They sat down, and the aide left.

"Awesome…" Falco said as he looked inside the room. "The bathroom has a gold plated toilet!"

"COOL!" yelled Slippy, running inside and closing the door.

"Well, that's that. I'm really kind of bored, so I'll go talk to General Pepper for a while about the aparoid situation." Fox said, leaving the room. Krystal, Peppy, Kratos and Falco relaxed into the room and began to chat. Several minutes later, five men rushed into the room to point guns at the team.

"Oh dear." Peppy said, putting his hands up. "It seems they don't like us at all."

* * *

"Well, what are we going to do?" said Barney angrily. "One of my most dedicated employees is in there with a debilitating hunger for brains!" 

"I don't know! What can we do?" asked Andross, desperately trying to think up a plan to direct blame away from himself.

"The research station at Corneria. We can go there. Have them analyzed." Canulon suggested.

"We're wanted criminals! We'd need disguises… Andross, you remember the play we went to last night?"

"Pirates vs. Ninjas? Yes, I remember."

"Do we still have the pirate costumes we stole?"

"Er… yes?"

* * *

"Yarr!" shouted Barney as he led the way through the research station's corridors. 

"Brains." Fara agreed, being led along on a chain.

"Yarr! We be lookin' for the research director. Be ye knowin of him?" bellowed Barney to a nearby scientist.

"Beltino? Yeah, he's in that room." the scientist replied, pointing down the hall.

"Thank ye!" said Barney, dragging Fara, now drooling and staring at the scientist's head, down the hall.

"Brains!" the zombie Fara complained, as she was dragged into the room.

"Brains I do have!" said Beltino Toad, turning to face a pirate and his strangely gray companion.

"Yarr! Me matey here seems to be down with some kind of disease! Be ye havin' a cure, Mr. Toad?"

"BRAINS!" yelled Fara, straining against the chain to try and eat Beltino.

"Ah, I see. We may need to keep her for a while for study. Will that be okay?"

"Perfectly. She doesn't come into the next episode at all."

"Brilliant. Shall we go, then?"

So, Barney followed him, dragging Fara all the way, into an extensive laboratory. Beltino strapped Fara into a biobed, and pressed a button. A large drill popped out of the wall.

"Brains?"

"Don't worry. This won't hurt a bit. Until I press this next button."

Beltino pressed the button.

The drill started to whirr.

"Now, this won't hurt her, right?"

"Of course, of course not. Would you mind getting behind this safety glass?"

"Why?"

SPLAT

"That's why."

* * *

Fox walked into the elegant dining room on the fifth floor, where he'd been told he could find General Pepper. Sure enough, there he was, staring out the window into the lights of Corneria City. 

"Hello, General."

"Ah. Hello, Fox."

"Dinner isn't ready yet, Fox. You should go back and wait in the room."

"I know, General. I wanted to talk to you about the Aparoid situation."

"Ah. It's all under control, and the last loose end is about to be tied tonight."

"Tonight?"

"Yes, Fox. We are quite fast when dealing with problems like these."

"That's good, then."

"Yes, I believe you'll find the transition quite painless."

"Er… what are you talking about?"

"Oh, don't be a fool, Fox! You are the only loose end in our operation, the only one left who knows. Once you are gone, we'll be free to take over Corneria at our leisure. Now, are you going to give up and submit, or am I going to have to break your arms?"

Realization. Cold, horrible realization dawned on Fox. The person whom he'd gone for help from had already been beyond help.

"Getting it now, are we? Just give up and die. It'll be easier for everyone."

"No… NO!" Fox yelled, and turned, throwing open the doors.

Krystal stood in his way.

"It's useless to resist, Fox. There's no escape for you now." she said.

"No! Krystal! What have they done?"

"It's all over, Fox. Your team is now under our control. There's no one left to resist us. Why don't you sit down and we'll have a little talk?" said Pepper, gesturing towards a chair.

"Dammit, Krystal! Fight it! Don't just give up!"

"Spare me having to watch this and just sit down before I have to hurt you." Krystal replied menacingly.

Fox resignedly walked over to the chair.

"Oh, and Fox?" Krystal said, pointing her blaster at his head. "I know you've got one of these, so drop it."

Fox plucked it out of his pocket and threw it down to the floor.

"Excellent. Don't you see how much easier being cooperative is?" Krystal said, picking it up.

"Go to hell."

"Tsk, tsk. Never talk like that to a lady." Pepper chided. "It's not so bad being one of us."

"I'd rather die."

"Bah. You don't understand what true power is. This body was weak. It was only made stronger by us." Pepper said, gesturing to himself. "What does it matter if a few weaklings lose their freedom? The Aparoids will ease everything. There will be no fear. No pain. No death! Can you begin to fathom the promise of eternal life?"

Fox snorted. "You're all pathetic. Every one of you. You believe you're so perfect, but you're not. You need us. You needed her. But I won't let you do this!" Fox dove out of his seat and rolled behind another line of chairs.

"Ha. A pathetic and useless gesture. You know there is no escape. You cannot escape from this room, and even if you did... It is inevitable. We outmatch you. Almost everyone in this building is under our control, and anyone who isn't will be soon. It's useless to resist, Fox. The transition can be easy, or it can be excruciatingly painful. It's your choice." Krystal said, stepping slowly towards him. "You know what? I'll make you a deal. If you can beat me, you're allowed to leave this room and face your fate somewhere else. If I win, you stay here and meet the destiny so many long for. I'll even go easy on you, it makes no difference anyway." She moved into a fighting stance. "Are you ready?"

"I don't want to hurt you… but I will if killing you will set you free." Fox said, putting up his fists. Krystal waited for him to act first. He charged.

She neatly sidestepped him and kicked him in the chest. He fell forward, the wind knocked out of him. She moved to the side as he rolled away to catch his breath, and was ready when he jumped up again.

"It's completely futile, you see. I will win."

"You talk too much." Fox replied, walking casually towards her. When he was in range, she struck. He ducked away from the punch, then dove into her legs under her kick. She fell backwards, hitting the floor, but was on her feet in less than a second. Fox was not so lucky, and she kicked him in the face as he was getting up, and again in the chest. He fell to the floor, nose bleeding badly.

"Do you give up yet? I can do much more damage than a nosebleed."

"I… I give."

"Excellent. Sit down." Pepper said. Fox moved slowly towards the chair, clutching his chest where she had kicked him. "I see no reason why we should prolong this further." He tossed Krystal an Aparoid injector. "Do it."

Krystal caught the injector and moved towards Fox's chair.

"Don't worry, Fox. It's completely painless. You'll be one of us soon." Krystal said softly, almost comfortingly.

"Just get it over with."

"As you wish." She moved the injector right up to his neck, thumb poised over the button.

What she did next certainly shocked everyone in the room, including the readers who didn't see a blatant Deus Ex Machina coming a mile off. She dropped the injector, tossed Fox his blaster, and shot General Pepper directly in the chest. He stumbled slightly, but pulled out his own weapon. Krystal shoved Fox out of his chair and ducked as a laser bolt singed the top of her head. Pepper ran towards the door, and Krystal gave chase, dragging a bewildered Fox who couldn't quite register yet that he wasn't dead along with her.

Several shots later, General Pepper was down for the count.

"We need to find the queen!" shouted Krystal. "Oh, wake up damn you, we're in danger!"

"Wha- you tried to kill me!" Fox yelled, desperately struggling to preserve his life.

"I was saving your life!"

"By beating the crap out of me? Some savior you are!"

"How else do you think he would have believed me? I did it because I didn't want you dead! Now shut up and come on! I'll explain everything later!"

Fox really had no choice but to accept orders given him by a pissed off vixen with a gun. He shrugged and followed her down the hall.

* * *

Beltino Toad looked down at Fara, strapped to the operating table. Briefly he reflected that in the wrong hands, that sentence could become the topic of quite the dirty fanfic. He shrugged and went for coffee.

* * *

table cold. why strapped to table want brains itchy. annoying frog man stab with pointy whirring thing make me go ouch. 

want brains now. want brains brains tasty. brains here?

hey look strap are loose i are have wiggle 1 arm out.

i are have wiggle 2 arm out

what button do?

hey me free go get brains now.

door open and me get out hello man in white coat you have brains?

"OH GOD! SOMEONE HELP ME ARGHHH burble"

he do have brains for me eat man in coat so nice to give me all brains

so nice

it is man with little stick and blue on end he are come towards me with stick what he do?

"Right then, let's see how you like this cattle prod!"

zap

ow he hurt me i eat his brains now

zap

ow why you zap me just want brains me tell you maybe you help.

"BRAINS!"

"Right then!"

zap zap zap zap thump

"Oy, Beltino! One of your research subjects escaped again and ate an intern! They're fifty credits each you know!"

* * *

Krystal kicked down another door and opened fire on both guards. 

"Why are we risking our lives killing this queen again?"

"Because it's keeping a sense of cohesion among the aparoids, plus it's keeping them alive. We need to kill it, otherwise when these people wake up they'll still be Aparoid controlled."

"You there! Stop where you are!" came the voice of General Pepper from behind them.

"Exactly."

General Pepper was back on his feet, albeit with blaster burns in his shirt. He was pointing a blaster rifle at the duo.

"Prepare to die, traitors!" he yelled, and the familiar sound of the rifle charging could be faintly heard. Krystal and Fox dove in two different directions and the shot lanced harmlessly past them. Popping out quickly, Fox fired, hitting Pepper and throwing him backwards, unconscious once more.

"Now that that's taken care of…" said Krystal, standing up again. "Where would you keep an Aparoid Queen?"

"How about the giant room behind us that says "Recreational Biodome" with the large environmental control display rather blatantly set to the conditions found on the Aparoid homeworld?

"No one likes a smartarse, Fox." Krystal said, walking over to the environmental controls. "Well I'll be damned, you're right. Sections two through eight are set exactly to the conditions found on Aparoidus Prime."

"You just made up that name, didn't you?"

"Yes, well, you've been making up names for planets for months now and no one's complained."

"Turtleland is stilla better name than Katina."

"But there aren't any turtles on Katina!"

"That's beside the point. Now, can we just kill the queen already?"

"Let's go, then." Krystal led the way into the Biodome.

* * *

The Aparoid Queen's predatorial instincts of old told her someone was coming before they actually arrived. She turned to confront them, and was met with two foxes. An inferior species, to be sure, but one to be reckoned with. It had been a fox that had destroyed the old queen. In fact, going over all data the aparoids had gathered, it was these very foxes, along with their team of other inferior species, who had destroyed the queen. All the more reason to kill them quickly. 

"Hello, inferior beings. Have you given up on life so much that you would come to face me?"

"No, we're just here to kill you." Krystal said, pointing her blaster at the queen.

"You know it is futile. Even if you do kill me, we will survive as a whole. The aparoids have endured pathetic things like you since the beginning of time, and who is still here?"

"Oh, cut the crap." said Fox, raising his blaster. "You ready to die?"

"The entire universe will one day belong to glorious aparoids! You are only postponing the inevitable!"

"Meh. It'll be some future generation's problem." Krystal said, keying the blaster up to maximum setting. "Say your goodbyes."

"My children! Attack!"

"If you're talking about the guards outside, they're on the floor. Unconscious."

"Drat. Well, I'm right screwed then." she said, with a touch of sarcasm that both foxes missed. "Remember, you can only postpone the inevitable!"

"Like I said, someone else's problem." Ready, Fox?

"See you space cowboy."

They fired.

* * *

Fox and Krystal stood outside of the Biodome, blasters back in their pockets. 

"That was your idea of a one liner? See you space cowboy? That was the coolest thing you could think of to say? I really shouldn't let you near my DVD collection anymore."

"It was a spur of the moment thing, and I just watched the DVD last night. What did you expect?"

"Something better from the system's most famous mercenary? I don't know."

Fox laughed. "I'm not a cool line factory, okay? You say I need to say something, I say the first thing that pops into my head! It's not my fault…"

Krystal laughed along with him, but suddenly stopped. "Fox?"

"Yeah?"

"Back there in the banquet hall… I'm sorry for making you think I'd been… you know. And I'm sorry for beating you up. But I had to do it. I had to make General Pepper believe I was on his side, or he would've shot me the moment I came in the room. I'm so sorry."

"There's nothing to be sorry for, Krystal. You saved my life back there, and I didn't thank you. How can I ever thank you for what you did?"

"Oh, I can think of something." she said, turning towards him and slowly moving closer. "You remember that time you saved my life above Corneria and I said I owed you a kiss?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, now you owe me one. How about we get rid of our debts at the same time?"

"Sounds good to me."

They moved even closer, gazing into each other's eyes. If the music players in the walls were working, they would have been playing sappy music. But at the exact moment their mouths were about to meet, the door at the end of the hall flew open. Fox and Krystal looked around in shock. Kratos stood in the doorway, panting heavily.

"Sorry I'm late, I had to take the stairs. Did I miss all the action up here?"

Fox looked at him. "Er… yes. The queen's kinda dead. You might want to go down and tell Falco he shouldn't be killing anyone anymore."

"Yes, good idea. See you two downstairs!" Kratos yelled, running back out the door, completely and blissfully oblivious as to what he had interrupted.

Fox looked back at Krystal and grinned. "Well, I guess the moment's gone now…"

She smiled back, and they walked off down the hall, holding hands. As they disappeared down the stairwell, General Pepper woke up and pulled himself to his feet.

"Ugh, where am I? One minute I was on the toilet, and the next I'm here! I guess you really shouldn't snort stuff you find on the floor in toilet stalls…" he said, hiking up his pants and stumbling down the hall.

No one was around to hear this, which was probably just as well.

* * *

Back on board Great Fox, Fox was lounging in his captain's chair, discussing recent events with his crew. 

"Now that the queen is dead, everyone should return to normal, now that the Aparoid parasites are dead. What puzzles me is how no one noticed the change, or even that the Aparoid was there."

"Well, the Aparoids adapted to the situation. They had to be stealthy and act natural to avoid detection, so they did. If we hadn't been jumped by those men in the waiting room, we might never have known that General Pepper was one of them." Krystal said. "They told us we were to be apprehended on direct order of General Pepper. After we fought our way out, we concluded that you were in danger, so I decided that since they had wanted a telepath, they should think they got one. I went upstairs to rescue you while Falco and Kratos secured the first floor."

"Except ROB found something just as you killed the queen." said Slippy. "ROB, why don't you tell them?"

ROB stepped forward and spoke in his usual monotone.

"As the Aparoid Queen perished, a probe was launched from the Cornerian surface towards a jump singularity, and disappeared from sensors. It can be concluded that this pod contained Aparoid eggs useable for the continuation of the species."

"Oh well, it's not like that'll ever come up again." Fox said. "Now, Falco, why don't we go to Solar City for some burgers? I could really go for a quarter pounder right now. Without mustard, of course…"

* * *

See you space cowb- I mean Star Fox.

* * *

Well, what did you guys think? A little different than usual, I think, but is that good or bad? Should I stick to pure idiocy and humor plots, or have something semi-serious at least once in a while? A lot of people have said I'm no good at writing when the scene has to be dramatic. What do you think?Review, cause I like feedback. Oh, and the Barney side story was more than just comic relief. It's going somewhere in a couple of episodes. Everybody likes zombies, especially when they're somewhat close to Halloween… 

And now we have a special message from Kratos.

Kratos: You know, I'm a little miffed about being left out of that climatic scene with the Aparoid queen. Cause y'know, she was calling everybody "inferior beings" and stuff like that, and I have my line.

Author: Which is?

Kratos: Feel the pain of those inferior beings… as you burn in hell. Definitely better than 'See you space cowboy'.

Fox: That line was awesome! Just admit it!


	4. Biohazard Spoof, Part 1

Heroes For Hire – Halloween Episode – a month or two after Halloween!

Episode 9: The Giant Biohazard Spoof

* * *

Well, this was intended to be released on Halloween, but I have a suitable excuse. However, I shall leave you guessing as to what it is. I shall take my secret to the grave!

Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha...

(runs out of air and collapses)

(A clone of the Author walks in.)

Sorry about that. My excuse is, I was horribly, horribly sick. Anyway, this entire episode is a spoof of Resident Evil Directors Cut, which I have just beaten as part of my Resident Evil marathon run, wherein I beat every game in the RE series on every possible mode, and gain all of their secrets and infinite ammo weapons on a blank memory card. I actually only came up with this idea while in hospital and in convenient proximity to my laptop, RE Playstation discs, and PSX emulator.

But that's beside the point. The point is, if you've never seen or played a Resident Evil/Biohazard game to its completion, namely RE 1 and the remake thereof, you're not going to get this. It's all going to go right over your head and hit the wall behind you, and the wall will get it, because even the wall has played it. Do you want the wall to be better than you? DO YOU? DO YOU? HUH? I THOUGHT BLOODY NOT! NOW GO OUT THERE AND BUY RESIDENT EVIL! NOOOOOOWWWWWW!

(Passes out)

(Another clone of the Author walks in.)

Aw crap, he drooled all over the floor.

(PS: This episode I have decided to release in two parts, mostly because if I do so, I can get it out faster. The actual idea would be enough for an entire fic, but I decide to condense it down to one or two episodes because A) A lot of Biohazard/Star Fox crossovers have been done lately for some reason, B) Most Biohazard/Star Fox crossovers suck, so the moment someone saw that it was a BH/SF, they wouldn't read it, and C) I don't think I need to be writing two non-school things at once, seeing as how I'm behind already. Maybe I'll write the whole complete BH/SF one day, maybe I won't. Likely the latter.)

* * *

Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing anyone else owns, unless you can't or won't sue me, in which case I own everything of yours. Even you. Now go clean my kitchen!

* * *

Episode 9: The Giant Biohazard Spoof

It was a normal day on the good ship Great Fox II, apart from a general lack of interest in anything whatsoever. General boredom reigned. Fox lounged in the mess hall, playing checkers with Krystal.

"Ha. Beat this." Fox said.

"Okay." Krystal replied. "Now… my turn. Hop hop hop hop hop hop hop you lose."

"Not again!"

"You're really bad at this, you know that?"

"Don't rub it in." Fox looked down at his glass. It was empty. "Barkeep!"

Kratos walked over and picked up their glasses. "You rang?"

"A beer, my good man! And what do you want, Krystal?"

"Soda water."

Fox snorted. "How come you never drink anything good?"

"Well, for one I'm a mean drunk. And for another, I could drink you and everyone else in this room under the table in a few minutes like you were all little girls."

"You gonna back up those words?"

"Only if you don't mind me punching you out when I'm completely plastered."

"That's a risk I'm going to have to take."

"KRATOS!" Krystal hollered over to him. "Fifty gallons of beer and an emergency summons to the mess hall for the entire crew! I'm going to make an example of this here Fox McCloud."

"Yes'm." Kratos said. He stuck a massive barrel under the tap, tied it down, then taped the dispenser button down and walked over to the intercom. "All hands to the mess hall for an exhibition of disgusting drunkenness."

* * *

Krystal drank Fox under the table. Then, she drank him into the floor, and from there through the floor and into the cargo hold. Falco, confident he could hold his liquor better than Krystal, especially now that she'd finished almost half of the massive keg, had taken Fox's place. Then Slippy. Then Kratos. She still showed no signs of slowing up, and the keg had been refilled twice. Peppy and ROB looked on in shock and cold, general hatred of meatbags respectively.

"Why hasn't she died of alcohol poisoning yet?" Peppy wondered aloud.

"Oh, she'll drop in a second." ROB confidently replied.

"You sure?"

"All you flesh sacks do eventually. It takes a robot to hold down liquor."

"You gonna back up those words?"

Several hours later, ROB was generally wishing he hadn't decided to show he was better than everyone else. She just kept going and going, like the energizer bunny. The sad, alcoholic energizer bunny. The refill count now stood at four and a half, and now even the robot was beginning to feel sick. How could anyone stand that much alcohol? Finally, ROB slumped into his chair and admitted defeat. Krystal shakily stood, stumbled over, attempted to shake hands, missed, threw up on ROB, and dropped dead.

* * *

Corneria City General was the best hospital in Lylat. It was actually pretty much the only hospital in Lylat, unless you counted Venomian Care Centre, which was really more of a dormitory with little more than a bedpan and pillow on the floor. Actually, scratch that. The bedpans there were the pillows. So Corneria City General had to be good, and good they were. Krystal was in ER having her entire digestive tract pumped within the ten minute mark. Then, she had her blood filtered, a complete liver replacement, redundant kidneys installed, and a lolly.

And she still had one hell of a hangover when she woke up.

* * *

It looked like the Star Fox team was to be in town for a little while, not because Krystal was in poor condition, but because the mechanics at the landing pad had called and said they'd fixed Great Fox's thrusters, but there was also the list of other things they'd bro- er… found to be in need of repair. And they wouldn't let Great Fox go without the repairs.

So Star Fox was stuck with nothing to do but break Great Fox out of the repair center. The repair center, being filled with pushy little bastards used to this sort of thing, had drained the power core and removed the thrusters, so the Arwings had to tow it into orbit.

And Slippy had been shot seventeen times in their "rescue" mission, so he wasn't around to fix things while he was in Corneria City General.

Fox put out an ad.

Within the hour, Star Fox had a team of barely paid to unpaid interns, referred to internally as "expendables" to fix the ship. Motivated by talks of a pay raise for the first to fix everything, the interns soon fixed all of the ship's problems. Now one of the interns was being paid $1 instead of $0.99, coincidentally putting him in a new tax bracket which made sure he was really only earning $0.50.

Great Fox was making preparations to break orbit and leave, when General Pepper buzzed them. Fox answered the call from the bridge.

"Hello, Fox. I just remembered I need you to do something."

"What is it, General?"

"A while ago Umbrella Inc, the big pharmaceutical company who assure me that they are completely non-evil, had a mansion built in the forest near Corneria City for employee use."

"Yes?"

"Since they wanted to market their products to the military, I toured and stayed in their mansion for a few days, but I forgot my notebook. Would you mind going and getting it for me?"

"General, we're a highly efficient mercenary team that has saved the universe a total of seven times in the last four years. Why do you keep hiring us to do menial chores for you?"

"Because the maids won't go near me."

"Why is this?"

"Well, one day I was str- all my clothes were at the dry cleaners, and I HAPPENED to wander out into the hallway, where through PURE COINCIDENCE the entire female cleanup staf-"

"Okay, lest I be scarred for life by this story, I shall leave to do what you request."

"Oh. Well, okay." The hologram phased out.

Suppressing an involuntary shudder, Fox got up to get some interns.

* * *

The next evening, Fox was stuck in a helicopter with his team. He was bored stiff, and so began narrating as they went along.

"Alpha team is flying around the forest zone, situated in northwest Corneria City. We are searching for our compatriots Bravo team, who disappeared during the course of our mission."

"What the hell are you talking about?" Krystal interrupted. "Who's Bravo team? There's only us!"

"I sent six interns to go first and get the book."

"What? You mean you gave six unpaid and untrained interns a helicopter, and sent them off into a forest area at night?"

"Pretty well, yeah. Oh, I gave them all guns too."

"You're an idiot. They're probably all dead."

Before Fox could formulate a reply, Slippy yelled excitedly.

"Look, guys!"

A thin plume of smoke was trailing upwards from the forest floor.

* * *

"It was Bravo Team's helicopter, but all the equipment was still there. However, we soon discovered why."

"What? You don't know that we're going to discover why."

"Optimism is important."

The team spread out and scouted around, but nothing came up until Slippy began jumping up and down excitedly.

"Hey! Over here!"

Slippy bent to pick up what he had found. It was a gun, with a hand still attached to it. The hand, however, was not attached to an arm, which registered as 'unusual' for Slippy.

Slippy then screamed like a little girl and dropped it.

"I found a chocolate!" he yelped, bending down and grabbing a chocolate bar.

It was at this point that indigenous wildlife chose to jump on him and generally attempt to devour him.

"SSSSLLLIIIIPPPPPYYYY!" Krystal screamed, as Slippy started to have bits missing.

"Don't just stand there, help me!" Slippy yelled desperately. Krystal, however, had wandered off in the general direction of the nearby mansion with the rest of the team. They were forced to start running as the animals left Slippy and began to pursue them Everyone else made it back to Falco's helicopter, but he was already gone, flying in panic away from the forest. So they were left with no choice but to run towards the mansion again, while a "CAST" card popped up and a narrator dramatically read out the names of the cast.

* * *

CAST

Fox McCloud

Age: 21

Blood Type: A

Occupation: Team Leader

Favourite Food: Pie

Krystal (No last name on application form.)

Age: 20

Blood Type: AB

Occupation: "Self Proclaimed Second In Command"

Dislikes: Taking the shotgun after getting Acid Rounds in the Main Hall.

Kratos Aurion

Age: 4000

Blood Type: O

Occupation: Chef

Pet: Goldfish

Rebecca Chambers

Age: 18

Blood Type: A

Occupation: Unpaid Intern

Likes: Playing Doctor

Peppy Hare

Age: 67

Blood Type: O

Occupation: Adviser

Carries: Pack after pack of cards.

"Staresident Foxevil"

* * *

"There are only three Star Fox members left now – Kratos, Peppy, and myself. We don't know where Fox is... but there is good news. I just saved a lot of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico."

* * *

They escaped into the mansion, where they thought it was safe. Haven't they ever _seen_ a horror movie?

"Wow! What a mansion!" Peppy said as they stepped inside an ornate main hall. Stairs in the center led up, and there were doors leading out from everywhere.

"Where's Fox?" Krystal asked, starting towards the front door.

"STOP! Don't OPEN that DOOR!" Peppy bellowed, blocking her path. As she tried to push past him, a shot rang out. Everyone looked in the direction from which it had come.

"We should investigate. Krystal, can you go?" Peppy said, pointing towards the door.

Krystal complied, walking towards the door in the direction of the shot.

"I'm going with her. Fox is our old partner, y'know." Kratos commented. They both walked off together.

"Okay. Let ME handle THIS." Peppy said.

"What's here to handle? It's an empty hall." Krystal asked.

"Er… um… things? Yes. Things. Stay alert!"

Krystal and Kratos opened the door and stepped through.

* * *

"A dining room." Kratos said, walking over to the opposite end of the hall.

Krystal looked around. It was, indeed, a dining room. It did, indeed, have a large table, presumably for dining. It also had a grandfather clock. Krystal followed Kratos down to the end of the hall, where she found him intently studying the floor.

"What? What IS this?" he said, poking it.

"What is it?"

Kratos poked it and licked his finger. "Ketchup. Krystal, go check out that door. I'll be examining this." Krystal stood up, looking at the door next to her, as Kratos muttered "I hope this is not Fox's ketchup."

"Why?"

"Well, Fox likes ketchup. He'd be pissed if he lost it."

"No, I mean why do you have to examine a pool of ketchup?"

"To see if it's Fox's ketchup. He might want it back."

"You're an idiot, you know that? Let me see that pool." Krystal poked it and sniffed it. "It's blood, you twat! You just ate some random guy's blood!"

"Oh. Well, in that case…" he paused dramatically. "I hope this is not Fox's blood."

"You're weird." Krystal sighed, getting up and walking for the other door.

She came out in an empty and rather poorly lit hall, with nothing but a faint sound of chewing therein. She walked down to the end, and there, something she really hadn't expected met her.

There was a man, snacking on someone who looked like one of the unpaid interns. The man slowly turned around to look at Krystal, who was standing in shock. The man was rotting in a way Krystal had only previously seen on year old corpses. "Brains?" he said. Roughly translated, it meant "Hi, want to join me for lunch?"

Unfortunately, Krystal didn't speak zombie, and so she raised her pistol, hands shaking.

"Brains!" (Oh, no! You've got the wrong idea! Here, want a hug?)

The gun went off, and a shot hit the zombie in the leg.

"BRAINS!" (Sweet Zombie Jesus! That's my walking leg!)

The zombie collapsed and started crawling resolutely towards Krystal.

"Get away from me, you crazy bastard!" Krystal screamed, turning and running towards the door.

* * *

Kratos stood up in surprise as Krystal barreled in through the door of the dining room.

"What is it?"

The door opened again, and a rotting corpse stumbled in on its hurt leg.

"Kratos, it's a monster!"

"I'd gotten that far."

"Brains!" (Let's be friends!)

The zombie began stumbling towards Kratos.

"Let ME handle THIS!" Kratos said, producing a magnum from his pants. He raised it and fired. He missed completely. Firing again, he hit the zombie in the arm, still not killing it. Before he could fire again, the zombie was on him.

"BRAINS!" (I love you!)

Kratos screamed in horror.

"Run, Krystal! He's insane!"

"Brains?" (I seriously object to that. If she were to stumble in and spontaneously love you, you'd be all over her, wouldn't you? What's wrong with me? Here, I'll SHOW you I'm just as good.)

"Oh dear god I think it's starting to hump me."

Krystal raised her pistol and put a bullet through the zombie, then kicked it away. "Come on, Kratos, we need to report this to Peppy."

"So cold… so very very cold…"

Dragging Kratos by the wrist, she pulled him out of the room.

The main hall was empty.

"PEPPY?" Krystal yelled. "Help me look for him, Kratos, but don't leave this hall for the time being."

On the contrary, rather than helping, Kratos collapsed against the stair railing, and curled up into the fetal position, shivering.

"I'm in my space… nothing can hurt me here… I'm in my space… I'm in my space… Why me, God?"

Krystal sighed, then toured the entire hall by herself. Peppy was nowhere to be found. Returning to Kratos, she related her findings. "I just can't find him. We should separate for the time being to look for him. I'll check those blue doors over there, and you can go back to the dining room."

"Oh, please no! It might still be alive!"

"Then kill it!"

"I was violated by that thing, and you don't even care. Fine, I'm leaving now. Oh, and take this toothpick. It might be helpful if you, the master of dentistry, take it with you."

Krystal stared at him.

"Oh, sorry. I meant this lockpick I found. Enjoy it!" Kratos handed her a lockpick.

Kratos walked cautiously off into the dining room, while Krystal walked through the blue doors on the other side.

The room was really sort of empty, except for a door on the other side of the room. She opened it and entered a hallway lined with windows, and happily walked down it, grateful that the rooms were so empty.

Then a zombie dog broke a window and came pelting down the hall after her.

"NO! I WANT TO LIIIIIVVVVEEEE!" Krystal screeched, pelting down the hall with a dog in pursuit. The sudden arrival of a second one didn't help matters much either. Somehow, she made it to the other side, threw open the door, and slumped against it, holding it shut.

Exploring the hallway she'd just entered, she didn't find much, until she came upon a large square room, with a door at the other end. Going through it, she found a small sitting room, with a shotgun hanging on the wall. She picked it up, and strolled casually back out the door, new weapon in tow.

The ceiling was coming down on her. Running across to the other door, she found it locked.

"Oh, fu-"

Before the profanity becomes widespread, let's go check on Kratos, shall we?

* * *

Kratos was walking down the very same hall Krystal found herself in.

"That'll teach her to send me off alone to face my worst fears. I'll sneak up on her and scare the crap out of her."

From down the hallway, he heard a faint cry.

"-ck!"

With an idea of where she was, Kratos began to casually walk towards the sound. He found a locked door, with a stream of swear words coming from behind it.

"Krystal, are you in there?"

"Kratos? Get me the hell out of here! The door's locked and the ceiling's coming down!"

Kratos pointed his gun at the door.

"Don't worry. Stand back, I'm going to shoot out the lock!"

He shot the lock out and kicked the door in, then dragged Krystal out into the hallway, just as the ceiling came down.

"Whew!" Kratos said, relieved. "You were almost a Krystal sandwich!"

"Oh, shut your sandwich hole."

"You know, I sort of wish Fox was here. Cause then, I could have said "Fox and Krystal sandwich" and then you'd be all confused and I'd explain by telling you that it was a reference to the fact that everyone knows Fox likes you and that you guys are eventually going to start doing… what that zombie did to me!"

Kratos screamed and curled up again. "I'm in my space! I'm in my space! Nothing can touch me here!"

Krystal sighed and stood up. "I wonder where Fox is right now."

* * *

Fox crashed through a first floor window, screaming like a little girl as a dog jumped in after him. He ran out of that room, into another, slamming the door behind him.

He was near a set of stairs. There happened to be only one other way out besides the stairs, a room marked "Med Room". He entered.

"I'll kill you good!" a girl screamed, spraying bug spray all over him, then hitting him with a roundhouse kick that sent him sailing into a wall. Snatching out her knife, she stabbed him in the arm. Then she looked at the unconscious Fox.

"Oh. You're not who I thought you were. Oh well." She dragged him over to a bed in the corner. "You'd best sit here for now."

* * *

A few minutes later, Fox blinked stars from his eyes and looked up. A young redhead was looking down at him.

"Are you all right?"

"Wh- who are you?"

"Rebecca Chambers, intern for the Star Fox team. Sorry I attacked you. Who exactly are _you_, apart from a sexy hottie?"

"Your employer."

"Oh, crap. Guess this means I'm fired again."

"No, it's okay. Just… do you know where I can get some medical supplies?"

"Oh! You're in luck, I'm a fully trained medic!"

"That's nice. Would you mind taking care of the knife you slashed me with?"

"Sure." she said, taking off her medpack. She began examining him, taking off his jacket and starting with his arm, and moving on to other exposed places before starting to check _other _areas.

"Erm… I don't think you need to take my pants off to bandage my arm."

"I am a doctor. I need to examine you thoroughly." She moved for the waistband of his underpants.

Fox sat bolt upright. "No! Tease me no further, I must see the Grail!"

"What? Oh, I love that movie! Speaking of, I have a couple of 'grails' here I think need examined, would you mind checking them out for me?"

"Oh, sweet zombie Jesus, of all the people I could have met it had to be a horny teenager." Fox said to himself under his breath. Aloud, he said "Can I examine them later? Right now I need to find my team."

"Oh, but we have all the time in the world…" Rebecca purred, then began pulling off her shirt. Fox ran screaming from the room, jacket abandoned, knife still sticking out of his arm, yelling incoherently about finding a shower.

"Goddammit, I'm never going to get any." Rebecca pouted, picking up her medpack. "Oh well, may as well check on Richard, he was going off to play with a snake, he said. Maybe he'll let me help…"

* * *

Krystal, in the meantime, had found the corpse of Forest the intern, looted said corpse, then wandered off when the corpse got up. Kratos came in to investigate a moment after Krystal left, and received a nice hug for his troubles. Krystal met him, running screaming from the room, yelling incoherently about finding a shower, but for distinctly different reasons than Fox. Krystal directed him to the bathroom, and he went off.

* * *

Rebecca was kneeling by Richard, a fellow intern.

"Richard, what happened?"

"The snake… I was attacked."

"Oh, I see. A snake, hmm?" She smiled evilly.

"Not just a snake! A monster!"

Rebecca's eyes widened. "Richard, can I see it? I might need to, so I'll know how to treat the wound."

"Okay, Rebecca. But be careful with it. It's very dangerous, and I think it may be poisonous."

"That's okay, I like danger." Rebecca was now quite excited.

Richard pointed to the door behind him. "It's in that attic."

Rebecca's excitement was quickly replaced by confusion. "It's… in the attic, hmm?"

"Yes. Rebecca, please don't annoy it. It's very dangerous."

"Oh." Realization dawned on her. "You mean a real snake. I thought you were talking about your di-"

Fox walked in and cut her off. "Hi, guys, what's up?"

"Richard here was just confusing the line between a giant poisonous snake and his p-"

"I never did. Oh, and just a suggestion, here, but I'm sort of bleeding to death and need some antidote. Would you, y'know, mind? I saw some serum in the medical room downstairs…"

"Right, Becks." Fox said. "You take care of him, I'll go get the serum."

"Okay, Fox. Hurry back." Rebecca winked at him. Fox quickly exited the room.

* * *

Krystal was bored. She had solved every single puzzle she could find, and had three of the four necessary crests to continue her investigation as to the location of General Pepper's notebook. But she had no clue where to find the last one. Maybe upstairs was a good place to start.

Fox returned with the serum and Rebecca administered it. Richard sat up, now in somewhat better condition, but far from perfect.

"Oh, god… I'm cold."

"Here." Rebecca said. "Take my jacket."

"Your jacket? That's MY bomber jacket you stole!"

"Oh, so you want the poor sick guy to freeze?"

"Not really, but I want my jacket back. Honestly, that thing cost a lot."

Rebecca gave Richard the jacket, and stretched. "Oh, I really wish the shirt I'm wearing wasn't quite so… form fitting. If I stretch any more, that fabric is just going to…"

_rip_

_

* * *

_  
Krystal approached a door upstairs, but as she prepared to open it, Fox barreled out, screaming "Showershowershowershowershowershowershower!"

Shrugging, Krystal entered the room. There, she met a girl with almost no shirt left, it having ripped into bits and fallen off, and a man lying on the floor, in Fox's jacket.

"I'm pretty sure this isn't a topless beach." Richard commented.

"Shut your cake hole and give me that jacket." Rebecca said, snatching it from Richard. She slipped it on and zipped it up, then turned to Krystal. "Hello. Who're you?"

"I'm Krystal. Star Fox Team. I'm here investigating as to the location of General Pepper's lost notebook."

"Oh, cool. I'm one of your interns, and so is floor boy here."

"Okay. Why did Fox just run screaming out of here about showers?"

"He's gone to the showers, hmm? That means he'll be…"

"What was that?"

"Oh, sorry. I said I think he might be hurt. I'm a medic, so I'll go after him." Rebecca jogged out of the room.

"Well, I guess that leaves me and you." Richard said.

"Correction, that leaves you. I'm going into that attic." Krystal cocked her shotgun, and opened the door before Richard could warn her about the snake.

* * *

Kratos was in the shower, frantically washing the places where zombies had hugged him. He didn't know why these particular zombies didn't want to eat people, but they were still pretty disgusting.

Fox opened the door to the bathroom, pulled back the curtain, turned the shower tap all the way to its cold side, and pushed Kratos out. He'd not even bothered to take his clothes off.

Kratos was understandably shocked. There he was, happily showering, when he'd been unceremoniously hurled out of the tub. He wrapped a towel round himself, and opened his mouth to protest when the door opened again, and Rebecca Chambers walked into the room, stumbling towards Kratos.

"Brains… Brains! BRAINS!"

"SWEET ZOMBIE JESUS!" Kratos screamed, throwing himself into the toilet, and trying to force the lid down around himself. He was understandably annoyed when the "zombie" collapsed on the floor, laughing hysterically. She stopped when he pointed his gun at her head.

"Hey, no need for that." Rebecca hastily assured him, backing up.

"Who the hell are you?"

"Oh, we haven't met. I'm Rebecca Chambers, intern. Are you going to kill me?" She looked up at him, eyes wide and innocent.

Kratos sighed. "No, I'm not."

She bounded to her feet. "That's great then! We're going to be friends!"

Kratos sighed again. "Fox, do you know this nutcase?"

"Fox is in here?" she yelled, throwing back the shower curtain. Her excited expression faded when she saw he was showering fully clothed. "Spoilsport." Rebecca pouted, leaning against the wall.

Kratos was now understandably confused and afraid, and beginning to get cold. "Can you… y'know… go away? I need to get dressed… and you're… a… you know… girl."

"You can do that in front of me." Rebecca assured him.

"What?"

"I'm a MEDIC." Rebecca said this as if it explained cold fusion, the existence of God, and the age old 'chicken or egg' question in one fell swoop.

"That doesn't make it okay!"

A burst of inspiration. "Here, what if I get naked with you, will that make you feel better about it?"

"Not at all, no."

"Well I'm going to anyway." Rebecca said, reaching for the jacket zipper.

Kratos turned away. "You can't make me look."

"I don't need to. I'm going to take off all my clothes and wander through that big old mansion all alone, with absolutely nothing to protect me…"

"I've had enough!" Kratos said, pointing his gun at her head. "You make one more move towards that zipper, and I'll have to shoot you."

"I don't see what your problem is." Rebecca said. Then she saw his bundle of clothes on the floor. "Oh… I see it all now." Rebecca said smugly. "Purple."

Then she turned and walked out the door.

"SHIT!" Kratos fired the gun into the ceiling until it clicked. "Why does every girl I meet seem to think I'm gay?"

"The purple clo-"

"Shut up, Fox. It was a rhetorical question."

* * *

Meanwhile, Krystal was in trouble. The attic had been largely empty, except for a giant snake monster thingy, which was generally not a good thing to find in your attic, unless you also have a giant mongoose monster thingy. Bullets, for the most part, didn't do much, and it had bitten her several times. Just then, there were gunshots from downstairs, and six shots, unbeknownst to Krystal, hit the snake in the belly, causing it to slink off, somewhat annoyed. Krystal stumbled over to the last crest, hidden in a corner, then staggered out of the attic, vision blurring. She made it outside, next to Richard, before collapsing, unconscious.

* * *

Krystal came to in the medical room, lying on the bed, with Rebecca next to her.

"Blimey, my head… did I get really wasted or something?" Krystal rolled over to come face to face with a sleeping Rebecca. "Oh dear god, please tell me we didn't do it..I'm never touching alcohol again if we did…"

Rebecca began talking in her sleep. "Fox, are you okay? Oh no…" (incoherent mumbles) "Of course I will." (incoherent mumbles) "Oh no, Mr. Beanbag Chair! It's not what you think!" (incoherent mumbles) "What? No, not my ears! Anything but that!" (Incoherent mumbles) "Oh, now you've broken the microwave. How will I tell your mother?" (Incoherent mumbles) "Yes, I suppose we could give the goldfish to the President."

Krystal began to back away towards the door and ran through. This girl was just too weird.

* * *

Fox gave the big metal door another kick, then slumped to the floor. It didn't seem to want to open, instead having some hint about crests and wind or something. Kratos was leaning against the wall, talking animatedly to no one in particular.

"You know, maybe if I wore pink, people would take me more seriously… or maybe lime green."

"Maybe if you shut up and helped, this door would be open."

"It is open."

Krystal waved from the other side, four inventory slots now emptier than they had previously been.

"Oh. Right then, you stay here and investigate."

"But I don't want to!"

"Okay, fine. Go over there and investigate."

"Okay. I'll just go outside… and be EATEN BY A MONSTER!"

Kratos wandered off. Fox stared after him, thoroughly confused, before turning to follow Krystal, who had also wandered off. Today was not looking good at all.

* * *

Krystal, in the meantime, found Peppy at the end of a hallway in the little residence she'd found, shooting bees out of the air.

"Peppy? What the bloody hell are you doing here?"

"Shooting the little buzzy things… what are they called… salmon?"

"Why did you just disappear on us?"

"I had some problems. I think you may have met some of them."

"The hall was empty. At the very least you might have run after us into the dining room."

"Yes, but then my diabol… nice flowers would have wilted."

"What flowers?"

"The yellow ones." Peppy said cryptically. "Oh, and I found that notebook we were looking for."

"Did you?"

"Yes, it was in here on a bed. Here, why don't you hold onto it?"

"Sorry, I already have eight things."

"Er… what?"

"Well, I've got my handblaster, two extra battery clips, that old gunpowder shotgun, a box of shells, my grenade launcher, explosive grenades, a control room key, and a key labeled 002."

"So you can't carry a little notebook because you've got two small keys, but you can fit two large rifle size weapons, along with ammunition, in your pockets?"

"Weird, isn't it? Oh, and I found an ECG, so I've been carrying that about with me."

"Okay…"

"Oh, I forgot. Can I read the notebook?"

"Well, it is a book…"

"Then I have plenty of room." Krystal said triumphantly, grabbing the book, leafing through it, then stuffing it in a file folder. Peppy blinked, then turned and continued shooting "salmon". Krystal walked out.

* * *

Fox was in rather a lot of trouble. There was a giant plant. It was really quite large. And it seemed to like to squeeze him. That and drain his blood. And all he had was a knife and pistol.

Really doesn't seem fair, does it?

Krystal kicked a door in, and pointed her shotgun at the nearest killable thing, which happened to be Fox, being throttled by a large and seemingly disgruntled fern.

"Krystal… help?" Fox asked desperately.

"Well, okay. I'll go mix some chemicals and pour them on the roots of that plant, instead of shooting it right here, with my comparatively larger arsenal. See you in fifteen!"

"Really… helpful… Krys…" Fox managed to squeeze out the sarcasm before passing out.

* * *

All these chemicals were really confusing Krystal to no end. She had absolutely no idea what the hell she was doing. Unbeknownst to her, the file on the table next to her would have told her that the chemical composition she was now mixing would create a poison gas, capable of dropping her in less than ten seconds. Unfortunately, she didn't like to read files. A loud thump as she hit the floor alerted several hungry zombies outside the door, who, having had their love rejected, were now quite ravenous. These zombies were zombies with morals. They only ate things that were already dead, or quite close to it. Krystal would fit the bill, and the menu, nicely.

* * *

See you space zombies.

* * *

Ooh, cliffhanger ending! Well, not really. They're main characters who really can't be killed off very well. But then, there's always Rebecca, the token teen in the horror movie whose only purpose is to die while in some compromising position, usually involving nudity.

Will Fox escape the giant Plant?

Will Krystal be eaten by a zombie scorned?

Will Kratos ever get over his fear of zombie lovin'?

Will Rebecca ever get any lovin', undead or otherwise? And will she die?

The "diabol-" in Peppy's scene couldn't have really been "Diabolical Plan", could it?

What the hell happened to Slippy, seeing as how he can't be killed off?

Why did I refer to the zombies as "Space Zombies" when they are clearly earthbound?

The answers to all this and more, coming 'soon'…

Yes, I am aware that all of this is quite daft in general. I wrote most of it while half delirious in hospital, simply because I was bored out of my mind and had my PSX Biohazard disc in my laptop. Then my mind wandered to how much more awesome Star Fox Assault wouldst have been if it had had Resident Evil 4 camera , controls, inventory, and the like, and used that for the ground missions, and kept the awesome space sequences. Oh, and Dr. Salvador, the Friendly Chainsaw Man, would need to be there too. Just think, walking across that Katina base, looking for any sign of life, when suddenly Fox turns around and the chainsaw revs… awesomeness, right there. Of course, the children would be a bit scarred for life and all, when the traditionally less violent furry protagonist of a traditionally less violent game series involving other such traditionally less violent characters is bloodily decapitated, but who needs children when we could have chainsaws? Or something. Yes. Indeed. Buy Resident Evil 4, especially if you have a Gamecube, then go say hi to the Friendly Chainsaw Man. You won't be sorry.

Oh, and for those of you who missed that, I was in hospital for a month. Proceed to feel sorry for me, also send me money, or I might get sick again. And this time I'll die. And bleed all over the floor. And then, when I'm in the afterlife/reincarnated/a ghost/in the great big DDR machine in the sky, I will seek you out and kill you, or failing that due to some noncorporeal form I inhabit, I shall possess some guy with a chainsaw and potato sack with two convenient eye holes. I think we all know what will happen to you.

The moral, send me money or you'd better have enough shells.


End file.
